he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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