A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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