How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
