Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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