Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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