You smell like stripper and shame
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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