So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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