She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
