I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
