My friends, they love my intelligence
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
