I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
