True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
false alarm, still single
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
