You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
