Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
