my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
