Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
