So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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