toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
