he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
why do cheetos always look like penises
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
porn star boner night. come get it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize