some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
