I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Damn victory sex feels great
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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