i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
