Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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