Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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