just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
