Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
