I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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