Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
me + whiskey = a bad person
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
