..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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