when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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