Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
