Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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