yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
