i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
