being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just pee around me
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize