Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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