Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
