I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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