i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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