someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize