Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
