So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
