so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
