even my farts smell like vagina
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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