if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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