Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just found puke in my bra..
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
