my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
