Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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