I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
