I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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