DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize