My Higher Power is John Stamos
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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