I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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