Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
