Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
