Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
