When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
