Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize