drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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