please come you make the beer taste better
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
