I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
