I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
