Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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