I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
