i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize