When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Rumble strips road head = magical
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
