Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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